Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
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Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever