“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
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My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh