Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.