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Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.