me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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Self-cleaning conscience
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
A double negative is a big no-no.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime