I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Monday
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.