I said we supposed to be saving our money.
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My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.