My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
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The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick