coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
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I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
How software testing works
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎