my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
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Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”