I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
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wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*