yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
one of
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
🙁
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Boom, boom, ching!
Finally! 😈
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.