Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Spring of Deception
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism