*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.