I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
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Yaba daba do not resuscitate
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.