Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
🤣dope
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy