Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
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If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”