Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
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[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right