dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
You Might Also Like
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat