Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Who’s ready for Friday?!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot