Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
technically true but not a great slogan
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.