Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
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Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas