People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!