me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.