Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
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would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
RT if you could go either way.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.