Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
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Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.