Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?