Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
You Might Also Like
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
just left a huge legacy in there
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.