If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
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Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.