Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know