Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
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[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.