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On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
May never get over this
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge