Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
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[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)