Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
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My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Worlds greatest photobomb
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start