I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
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Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving