“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Meow
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS