Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!