This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
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Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.