If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
knights of the ikea table
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.