seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.