Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
You Might Also Like
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead