No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.