You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
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The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE