“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
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My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕