I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
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God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.