Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
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I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
#winning
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.