Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
You Might Also Like
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.