my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid