Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
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Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
me, after any kind of buffet.
When your man makes a valid point
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun