Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Grandmother clock.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.